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Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

 Communication

Couples counseling in bucks county

Couples Communication

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John Gottman, a well-known researcher and psychologist, analyzed the communication patterns of couples and their arguments. His study found that happy couples also have disagreements that lead to arguing in their relationship. He concluded that the conflicts themselves are not the problem; the main problem is how the couples argue. Based on these findings, Gottman pinpointed 4 common detrimental patterns that couples repeat during their argument. He named these patterns "The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

 

1. Criticism: In problematic arguments, the criticism is typically different than a complaint about an event, behavior, or situation. Here, couples make personal attacks. They criticize each other's personality traits, implying that there is something wrong with them.

 

Example: “I told you 40 times buy detergent on the way home. Why do you forget everything? I don't think you're forgetting; you are just selfish. You just choose your own comfort. You don't care about others.”

 

Unhealthy criticism—in which couples attack each other's personality traits—may lead the criticized partner to feel distant from the relationship. If criticism becomes too frequent, this also invites the second more detrimental pattern.

 

2. Contempt: Contempt can show itself in many forms during an argument. This includes mockery, name-calling, belittling, sighing, rolling eyes, and sarcasm.  This pattern is the most detrimental to a relationship. In fact, it is described as one of the divorce predicators in Gottman’s study.

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Contempt can sometimes arise from a sense of superiority. One individual sees themselves as superior to their spouse—perhaps they feel smarter, more organized, etc. In the long term, this pattern feeds on accumulated negative thoughts.

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Example: “You think you’ll remember if you put it on your phone’s to-do list? (Eye rolling) You think that will solve your issues? (Sneering) Yeah, just put it on your phone, as if you’ll even check.”

 

This pattern is actually a form of disrespect. Out of every pattern, this is the most serious and deadly to a relationship. Contempt makes the spouse feel worthless, and in the long run, it may also cause physical distress. When contempt arises, it creates more conflict and it doesn’t help reconciliation.

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3.Defensiveness: This pattern is a common way for one partner to blame the other. It is often the product of excessive criticism. The partner feels like they are under attack; as a result, they start defending themselves. The more defensive one partner becomes, the more the other partner criticizes and attacks. 

 

The most common form of defensiveness is playing ‘the innocent victim.’ The individual complains that they are not understood, picked on, or unappreciated. This behavior tells their partner, “I'm not the problem, you are the problem.”

 

4. Stonewalling: This pattern often develops after criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. The person being attacked eventually withdraws from communication, closing themselves off and being unresponsive. They shut down and build a wall as a form of protection.

 

This pattern is usually more common in men and unfortunately, it is not easily stopped. Stonewalling leaves the other party feeling shut out and worthless, and as tough their efforts to communicate are futile.

 

Gottman’s research concludes that when "The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse” enter a couple’s communication at a high frequency, the couple's marriage is in danger. He also states that if the couple has failed repair attempts, an approximate 90% of marriages will result in divorce.

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Couples Counseling Bucks County

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Couples therapy Bucks County (marriage counseling/premarital counseling) can be a great way to avoid a permanent separation and provide a solid foundation for your relationship. Talking about your problems with a couples counselor might not be easy at first, but seeking help could be the key to saving your relationship. Remember, you don't need to be in crisis to start therapy; couples therapy can also be a proactive step to strengthen and enrich your connection. Couples counseling in Bucks County can be an investment in your relationship, as improving the quality of your bond with your partner can save you years of stress, pain, and resentment.

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Schedule a session with a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist 

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We offer both online and in person couples counseling in Bucks County, PA to help couple improve their communication. We welcome couples from diverse cultural backgrounds including interracial, intercultural, interfaith relationships. Our approach incorporates Relational Life Therapy,  The Gottman Method, and emotionally-focused couples therapy, which is one of the most empirically validated and effective therapies for improving distressed relationships. We are here to assist you and your partner on your journey to understand each other, address past conflicts, repair injuries, move past hurts and betrayals, and increase your intimacy.

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Ready to Schedule?

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We are serving all of Pennsylvania, including: Morrisville, PA 19067, Yardley, PA 19067, Newtown, PA 18940, Langhorne, PA 19047, Bensalem, PA 19020, Levittown, PA 19054. We are also serving all of New Jersey, including Mercer County.  

 

If you would like to schedule a session, please request an appointment.

 

If you have any other questions or you need additional information on couples counseling Bucks County, PA please read our frequently asked questions (FAQs) page or feel free to call, text and/or email us.

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I am looking forward to hearing from you!

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